My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.