I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.