3% human
97% stress
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
my dog when i have a friend over
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!