*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
You Might Also Like
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school