Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
incredible text to wake up to
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.