instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You Might Also Like
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Bruh PLEASE
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
birds and squirrels envy us
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty