Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
motivation
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”