Sniffing the broccoli
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Just a phase…
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.