[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
one of
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Worth the read.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me