I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Saw online –
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Reporter: *ports again*
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Meow
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.