Owl Sanctuary
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*