[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year