“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
this is the news I live for
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.