I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
not to brag, but mine was free
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is