going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Hmm, not sure about this change
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.