them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!