The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
an airline just for babies.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.