Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Saturday

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.