I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it