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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.