Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
He wanted to make sure😂
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.