I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.