If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five