“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.