The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
calling in to work dehydrated
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.