I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.