Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
You Might Also Like
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.