Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.