ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
j o i m p
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
What personal space?
My dog
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I can’t stop watching this.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.