McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things