I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!