Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Simple enough.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Just parrot things
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Natty or not?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.