I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Oops I deleted….
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
That was easy.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl