The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Sheer Arrogance”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.