The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
You Might Also Like
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I feel it
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume