Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
A double negative is a big no-no.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake