[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You Might Also Like
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
True freaking story!
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?