John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.