“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
We’re all getting idioter.
Europe. Made in Germany.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station