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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My blood type is b hungry.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean