I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Perfection.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.