God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.