Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’