Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Meow
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.