If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Beware of fowl play.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.