(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.