*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.