Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
when you are just born a rebel
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore