I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
this is uni
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.