FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
me hooking up with my ex
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.